John Greene said love is like falling asleep slowly then at once. You dont know you have until you are really in love.
Well love is relative.
Here I stand in front of an old building, thinking about the man I loved when I was 18. I met him in my first year of the university. From a far, I thought him of him as a funny person. Well someone who in everything still had a way of amusing himself and others.
Late in the night on a Thursday, we talked about how we felt about each other after two years of friendship. He told me I had a good heart. Which I of course I knew. But I was still scared. That maybe…just maybe he didn’t know me enough to say that. That maybe he was lying. A part of me wanted to believe that he was saying the truth. That he truly knew me. That this wasn’t a way of manipulating my feelings or hearing the things I wanted to hear.
Because still, I am not at peace. Just somehow I have the feeling that I have a goodness in me that the world wants to take from me and I am guiding it so much even at the expense of things. And just somehow I am afraid to live. Afraid to try. Afraid to stand in the sun. Afraid that when I am blown away by the wind, I won’t recover and I will have no control. At the back of all of this, I know that I should give control to God. But it is hard. Very difficult. Life and situations and some things I do have convinced me in a way that I am unworthy of God’s love and protection. I believe somehow that I have to be perfect to go to God. And almost every day we hear the contrary. Even God wants us to come to him to be perfect not be perfect to come to him. But why is it so difficult to internalize that?
I am afraid of a lot of things. I am afraid of mediocrity and being average. And that is why I am extra careful and somewhat don’t do the things someone my age would do. That’s why people might think I’m being a hypocrite or being a saint. But that is far from it.
I want to stand in the sun. It is a statement I got from a movie meaning freedom.
I am afraid that I will look back at loving this man and regret it. That I would be disappointed in myself for doing that. And more and more, I will see myself as a failed person. I am trying so hard and just maybe I am trying too much to have this perfect world for myself, not one free from obstacles but in a world where I have control and can fix my problems. In a world where I can be sure of what to do. A world where I can find my happiness just in God. At the moment, it is found in nothing.
My love of 18 is like this old building I’m staring at. Because one day, I will be really grown up and look at the old past of love. And I wonder if the old building will be a regret or a blessing. If the old building will signify the red flags I should have acknowledged or simply fear.
Now I have to decide to walk away from that old building or stand there. Which one of this will mean my standing in the sun?
I don’t know. I am trying hard not to try and figure it out. Because I can’t. I don’t have all the details.
So God, these are my thoughts. The ones that are difficult for me to say out because my thoughts are stars fathomed into constellation.
I need you to be there for me. Assure that I don’t have to know everything. That I can make mistakes and still be amazing. That I can get it wrong sometimes and you will love me regardless unconditionally. Remind me that I am only human who is in a phase and that I will be okay. Remind that I don’t have to be afraid to live. Remind that I can stand in the sun. Remind me that I am not weird or awkward. Tell me every moment that just somehow there is goodness in everyone because sometimes I’m afraid to get close to them.
Show me the way about the old building I’m standing in front of right now. Am I to stand there till sunrise or walk away?
Please answer me.
P.S. The popular saying is that it’s a choice to be strong. But what happens when that’s the only choice you have?
They say our circumstances don’t decide who we are. We have the choice to make those circumstances mar us or make us. Well what happens when all that you are offered is a choice to let it mar you?
Life is not a wish-granting factory.
But I want to wish.
Write a letter to God today. Become that little one who is not afraid to ask for anything.
Please, for every post, it is an epoch of someone.
God be with us