Hate Me

~~~~

Do you remember what I told your mother? I still regret my words, they haunt me every time.

“You don’t deserve my daughter” said she the last day I ever saw her.

“Oh yeah?”  I replied. “Maybe, but I still shag her every night and she comes back for more and more, like a lost dog. She prefers me instead of you. So who is worse?”

It wasn’t only disrespectful to your mother. It offended you as well. I treated you as an object and talked about you in such vulgar terms in front of your mother. And I wasn’t even drunk yet, but I just hated her because she didn’t let you be with me, because she opposed and I was scared…scared she might make you realize how unworthy of you I was and you would finally leave me

I am so sorry. I’m still so sorry.

And you forgave me for that, you still let me have you after that. You even fought your mother after that and chose me, breaking all ties with your family. Because of me, because of the jackass who talked to your mother like that. I tore you apart from your family. 

 

 

~~~~

I am aware all human beings are imperfect, we make mistakes and hurt others, whether we do it intentionally or not, we still harm them somehow, sooner or later. I’m also aware I’m not the worst out there. I’m pretty sure there are far worse ones, people who abuse others, belittle them and destroy them….consciously. Some people might enjoy breaking others down, take pleasure in hurting others. But let me tell you something” I might have not realized what I was doing to you but today I can say I regret ever hurting you. You didn’t deserve it and I was an idiot for not seeing what I was causing you, how I was breaking you down. I didn’t take pleasure in hurting you, it didn’t make me feel better, at least not in the long run. Today I regret every hurtful word I threw at you, all the things I made you do, all the shit I made you go through. I regret so many things, except one: setting you free.

I know it was hard at first. I hope you are doing fine now, to be honest. That’s all I hope for and always wanted since I opened my eyes and saw the world we were living in. I know you loved me as much as I loved you and you wanted to fight more. Oh, how many times I was about to give in, to go back to you and keep trying but what was the point? Would we carry on until one of us couldn’t stand anymore? Was that the future we were heading to?

I was no good for you.

How many times did I drive you insane with worry? How many times did you have to take me to the hospital because I couldn’t wake up after drinking so much? How many times did I end up in an alcoholic coma? You were always there for me, looking after me even if you always told me I had to stop, that I was going to kill myself one of those days and then what would happen to you. I never listened. I kept drinking myself to unconsciousness, until I could forget who I was.

How could you love me?

Remember what I told you the day you found me?

“Hate me” I begged you as tears streamed down your face and you grabbed my wrist, trying to stop me from walking out on you again. “Hate me so badly that you can’t even say my name. Hate me for all the things I did to you. Hate me for being the arse that destroyed your life. Hate me for bringing the worst in you because you don’t deserve that. You should be with someone who brings the best in you, so hate me for tearing everything apart.”

“I can’t-I can’t hate you” you mumbled, your voice strangled with sobs.

You must,” I insisted. “You must hate me in ways that will leave you with a lump in your throat. Only then you can forget about me. See me for who I really am and you’ll hate me. I want you to hate me, to leave me behind and carry on with your life.”

You shook your head, more tears falling and I would be crying too if I wasn’t as sure as I was then, that even if I was hurting you then in the long run I would hurt you less like that. “Hateme!”

“I won’t!” you shouted back.

I shoved you off, putting distance between us. 

Hate me. Forget me. See what’s good for you, which is not me! I’m only destroying you! Hate me! Hate me! Hate me!”

I pushed you out the door and I could hear you cry, but I didn’t open. You had to hate me so you could move on, you had to hate me so you could move on, you had to hate me so you could open your eyes and see reality. I wasn’t good for you.”

Fine! If that’s what you want. Ill hate you! I hate you!” you shouted from the other side and walked away.

I haven’t seen you since then. I hope you actually hated me. I don’t want you to hate me now, because living with hatred in your heart is as harmful as being with me. I just wanted you to hate me so you could stop loving me and then forget me. I didn’t want you to hate me forever. I hope you don’t hate me forever. 

I remembered this today because I saw some girls at the bar. It was a group of four girls and they were all drinking, cheering up one that had recently broken up with her girlfriend, apparently. One of them told her that it takes three seconds to forget someone. Three shots. 

Is it really that easy? A part of me will never forget you, but I am over you. How is for you?

Other girl told her that what she had to do was turn all that love to hate and she would see all the faults in her ex, like that she would see all the faults in her ex, like that she would realize she was better off alone and could move on. I wanted you to do that.

Love is blind, right? You couldn’t see how wrong I was for you because you loved me.

Love is generous, right? You gave me chance after chance, even if I didn’t deserve them. 

Love is patient, right? You waited for me to get better even if it didn’t happen when it had to.

Love is selfless, right? You put me before your own good.

You loved me better than I loved you. Only once I was selfless enough to do the best thing for you, even if it killed me inside. I left you because you deserved someone who could love you better than you could love him. I always put myself first because I couldn’t imagine myself without you. I didn’t want to thinkhow much better you would be without me because I knew you’d be far better. I was selfish and love shouldn’t be like that. 

So I put you first for once, I walked away.

It’s the only thing I’m proud of. The only thing I did right and for that I’m not sorry.

 

~~~

Last night I dreamt of you. I usually do, and most of the time, I dream of that day I walked out on you. The first times I had that dream it broke me down. I couldn’t even leave the bed after such a dream. I couldn’t even leave the bed after such a dream, regretting every second and just wishing things were different. But every time it became more bearable until the ache from not having you subsided, allowing me see things as they probably were. Until I could see what did objectively and appreciate the good deeds I did.

Today I can have that dream without shedding a tear and with a smile on my face. I can recall that day and stay in one peace.

Do you remember how it happened? It’s so clear in my mind and the dream never changes. It’s exactly the exact picture of how it happened.

It was a cold day in winter and I had been waiting for you, at the edge of a breakdown, but convinced. I had finally accepted that what we had was more destructive than anything else, and we had to stop it before the two of us would end up broken to the point of no repair. Well, at least you. I had reached that point long ago. But I could still have you.

When you walked in, you looked so tired. I saw you with the eyes of someone who’s never met you before and I saw what I was blind to before. I saw your extremely thin and fragile body that it seemed it would break with the next whisper of the wind. I saw your pale and lifeless skin, the way your bones tried to break free from under your skin. Is aw the dark and large bags under your eyes that talked about endless sleepless nights and so much sorrow. I saw the tired and half dead smile. I saw the shadows in your eyes that had pushed away all the light at first saw.\

I saw your walking corpse and that was the last push.

We need to talk” I told you before you could even finish dropping your bag, “it’s important” I added as if my voice didn’t carry the weight of my words. 

What’s wrong, abbe?” you asked, your voice were already shaking. Maybe you felt it right then, what was yet to come.

I didn’t know how to drop the bomb, how to introduce the topic or even approach it. I just had one sentence bouncing in the walls of my head, trying to get out and I was just trying to keep it inside.

This needs to end” I finally blurted out and you froze. No expression showed up, you were a statue and I knew then I had to explain things properly. “I’m killing you. This,” I tried, waving my hands between the two of us, “is too toxic to carry on. I can’t even recognize the person I met, you’re half-dead. And I’m the one doing this to you. I’m slowly killing you and I can’t keep doing that.”

“Don’t you love me anymore?” you asked and I laughed. I couldn’t do anything else.

“I love you so much I feel like I’m ripping my own heart off of my chest”

Then don’t do this. If it’s for what I said the other day at the hospital, forget it. I’ll fix it. We can fix it together” she insisted but I shook my head.

“We’ve been trying for so long and it’s not possible. We’re beyond that point. I can’t be fixed and if we don’t stop, you’ll end up like me. I can at least save you. Let me save you” I begged, but then you were the one shaking your head, reusing to listen to my words.

I saw the first tears rolling down your cheeks, breaking my heart into more pieces. Million pieces.

You can’t do this. You can’t leave me now. I love you, we’re together. We’ve been through hell and we’ll not be done now, “you insisted stepping forward, taking my hands and looking me in the eye with such despair I almost fell to my knees. 

You don’t deserve that. You never deserved to go through hell. I should’ve done this long ago but I was too selfish to think of you instead of me” 

“I want to be with you!” you cried out. “Why are you doing this to me?”

Because I’m trying to save you from me, don’t you see? Can’tyou see the life you’re leading since you met me? Is this even a life? Can’t you see how every day I stray you further and further from your dream?” I ask you, shaking and breaking free from your grip. “I love you and I can’t stand hurting you anymore”

You’re hurting me now!”

But it’s a necessary pain to stop the constant agony. This is for your own good and my own because I can’t live with myself knowing what I’m doing to you,” I insisted. “I can’t live when I see the results of this love. I need you to be happy, to live”

“I’m happy with you.” You stubborn girl, you couldn’t even see what I was trying to do.

“No, you’re not. You think you are, you convince yourself you are just to cope with all what I’m doing to you.”

Then stop hurting me! Stop all that and let’s be happy.”

“I can’t,” I confessed. “Even if I want, I can’t stop. It’s me, who I am is what is killing you. Something I can’t change or control. Something that’s stronger than the demons inside me, I can’t be with you. Please, I beg of you, let me save you. Let me be honorable for once in my life. Please…”

By that point I was also crying and finally fell to my knees, begging you to let me be a man and protect the woman I love. I grabbed your hands and held them so tight, hoping you’d feel my sincerity. 

Hate me if necessary. Hate me for leaving you and for everything I did to you. For driving you to this point. Hate me for making you love a hopeless man. Hate me until you can move on. Hate me until you don’t need to hate me anymore. Hate me until you’re happy and you find yourself again. Hate me for what I did to you and for the things I didn’t do for you. Hate me…and let me go”

“I can’t…I can’t…” you cried, falling to your knees, taking my face in your hands, wiping the tears away

Please…I want you happy and live. Bright and beautiful. I want you be yourself and not a shadow” you closed your eyes and I knew I was getting to you. I just had to keep pushing. “Hate me until you see I’m right, that this is the best. Curse me out. Hit me if necessary. Just leave me behind and find your future and happiness, not with someone else but yourself. See what’s good for you and don’t let anyone else tear you apart. Live, for me, for this love that has broken us more than anything else”

How am I supposed to hate you when I love you so much?” you asked and now I was the one cupping your face.

You’ll find it in you the moment I walk out that door,” I smiled, heartbroken and resigned. “Use that hatred to give you realizewho you are and have moved on, let me know. Tell me you’rehappy and I did the right thing. Nothing will make me happier than that, knowing I, for once, did a good thing for you. Please”

You couldn’t reply, you broke down in tears and I gave you alast hug. I wiped away your tears and I even put my jacket on you before rising to my feet and grabbing the bag I had ready already. Whispering a last I love you and a plead to look for your happiness, I crossed that door and walked away.

The pieces of my heart fell with every step, but it also grew the determination that I had done the right thing even if it felt like the biggest mistake of my life.

By now I can firmly say I was right. Walking out on you was the best. I’m a better man now and I feel in my heart you’re fine. I’m sure of it. It’s been hard and painful, but it was for the best. And as if my bunch wasn’t enough, today I’ve received a letter. I’m not sure how this reached me and how you found out, but it’s now in my hands and it has your name on the addressee. AndI know, before I even open it, that this is you telling me you’re fine and happy again. That you finally see I was right and you don’t even hate me anymore.

Here in my hands is the proof I did the right thing and why I don’t regret my decision. This is my new found happiness in the form of paper. The proof there’s still some decent part in me and I’m not a complete monster. This is the proof that I finally learnt how to really love you, by setting you free. A dark cage was never the place for you. It took me a while to understand but it wasn’t too late when I did. Now you’re free, safe and happy. That’s all I ever wanted.

Thank you for your letter, for letting me save you and show you my love in the only way that could give you justice. And thank you for ever loving me, despite my flaws and the demons I carried with me. Thank you for every second you gave me. Thank you for making me a better man today.

Thank you.

Yours truly.

 

P.S. This was gotten from a Wattpad story written by Bel Watson titled “Hate Me”

 

 

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